I grew up knowing that God loved me, and I had a happy and great church life. But in college, I had a nervous breakdown that I knew was permanent. I have had some form of depression ever since, and I relate to God more as a worker than a beloved chosen favorite.
Even though I don’t feel his love as much as most Christians do, there were two times that I felt sure of it and remembered it long enough afterwards. One time was when I became a college mascot, and the other time is when I did well in a stand-up comedy class. I know that you are not really supposed to base your spiritual security on blessings and suffering. I was taught well that God always loves us, and we can and should trust him.
But he had a different path for me that sometimes included what seems to be inferior spirituality, veering from obvious teachings that many people have adhered to faithfully for decades. I get judged for my worldliness sometimes, but I think it is possible God called me to be a little bit below earth in some way, instead of above it. To have a mild taste of forsaken-ness and closeness to the darkest sides of lostness.
After my first depression in college, I started fearing that God was not happy with me, but when I won tryouts to be the mascot, I knew he did like me. It was just too tailored a blessing, too much of a justice, too much of a sign that he had loved me since childhood. And then years later, after praying in lonely ways on the fringes of many churches, I again found a place as a comedian, obviously ordained and sustained with joke ideas from another world, right on time every time. God’s comedic timing, in my favor from his favor.
I think he has had a life of prayer in mind for me, and a purpose of intercession for the lost. In some ways, prayer is all I ever do for anyone else, but I take it very seriously and work hard at it. And I am wondering if God had an idea to make me more successful at it by keeping me in a state of low mood and even mild agnosticism. Is it that far-fetched that I could guess the needs outside the church better if I have the same stresses and fears? It is likely to be a third audience assignment from God, with the same assurance that he always provided for me. I’m a mascot, a comedian, and a sad clown: the mentally ill church misfit who crowd surfs among the unbelievers. With all my questionable knowledge, too much of which is about grime and crime, I believe that most of the people I have cared about will someday also say that God showed them his love. They did receive their confirmations, in whatever way, on whatever day, whatever people say.
