Cracked Reflection

I was thinking just now about how I brag sometimes even though I figured out early in my life that it is basic Christianity not to brag.  Well there is a lot I do like that and it is because when I was 19 I found myself looking at a life of severe depression and I decided that I had to just live my life and try for happiness and eat and make friends and do a lot of stuff that is normal human behavior instead of sacrificial Christian living.  And yet behind my gregarious selfish extravagance is a very pure Christian motivation to stay alive, not even to have some glorious offering for God, but simply because I am supposed to.  And even with my hedonism, which isn't the "Christian hedonism" that some Christians talk about, but just plain hedonism to stay alive, there is an ongoing sacrifice of my reputation among other Christians, who actually don't brag, who don't seek out wordly fame and temporary happiness, who don't depend on accomplishment for self worth, and who serve a lot more people with a lot more purity and holiness.  I know how they see me and my moral inferiority, which is real considering my knowledge and training. And yet my participation in the church just can't be the same as theirs.  Some people seem to get it even without any explanation from me, and because of them, my little reputation sacrifice and chronic status as an inconsistent and questionable parishoner is, thankfully, limited and minimized so that there are some flashes of service and participation that remind me of life before mental illness. I think all of this must be some kind of help from God that keeps me from becoming a hypocritical monster, and it is something that could provide a great surprise when all the people who did not know to take the glorious Christian path cash in on my prayers that might not have existed if I had been able to truly and successfully walk that path myself.